I miss the nights when we first started talking and you always told me I shouldn’t have had to worry about anything, and you always knew what to say to cheer me up or when you always knew I was upset. I miss that day when I saw you unexpectedly at the mall. I miss the nights I forced myself to stay awake just so I could talk to you, and I miss texting you all day in school. I miss going to canal fest just to see you because I didn’t even want to go at all. I miss the night you walked to my house at 1 in the morning in the pouring rain. I miss the night I tried to sneak out to walk to your house, then realized how far it was and turned around. I miss the last night of canal fest when I saw you and pushed you and you told me you loved me. I miss the last time I saw you over the summer and we walked around and then you kissed me for the first time. I miss the beginning of this year when I had to walk through city of tonawanda just to see you. I miss the first time you picked me up and I went to go get gas with you before you had practice and then you put on tyga. I miss sitting on my couch, looking out my window then seeing your car pull up and getting that nervous but excited feeling. I miss you standing at my door for 5 minutes because you wouldn’t knock and I didn’t believe you were there. I miss laying in my bed with you watching stupid tv shows or movies or sports shit, and I miss talking about everything and laughing about dumb things. I miss the way you’d wrestle with me to try to get my phone and how it always ended up as us cuddling or when you figured out that I’m ticklish pretty much everywhere and didn’t stop no matter how many times I told you to. I really loved that even though I was basically screaming at you. I miss when you would kiss me basically whenever I looked at you. I miss your hugs, those were always my favorite. I miss how perfect everything seemed when we were together and how safe and comfortable you made me feel. I miss when you’d make fun of me, or when I thought you weren’t listening to me but then you’d repeat everything I said. I miss last year when you made me send you a picture of me right before I went to bed and you told me how beautiful I was. I miss that night when you texted me and told me that you weren’t able to forget about me and that you needed me to be happy. Or last year when you kept sending me the lyrics to lap dance and thats how I found out who tyga was, or when you’d send me a good morning text during 3rd period because that was when you were waking up. I miss the way I was able to be myself around you and how we talked for hours about nothing but never got sick of each other. I wish things could be different, because for over a year now I haven’t been able to forget you. I’ve tried, I’ve really really tried and I can honestly say that no one has meant as much as you did. I find something wrong with anyone else and its because they’re not you. You’re the only person I’d give endless chances to because I always find myself wanting to be with you. No one can make me smile like you can and I’m happiest when I’m with you. Maybe it will take the 3 years, I just hope that one day we can be together.
There’s no point in holding onto you anymore. Really. I just ended things for good. I know you think its just another time where I say I’m done and then I’ll apologize or text you tomorrow or something but it’s not. I need to move on. I miss zack w so much lately. I know that things aren’t going to work out for us because of the age difference. Maybe when I’m 18 we can try it again, even though he hasn’t talked to me in months. Even though thats 3 years away, I honestly still think I’ll be missing him. Its already been over a year. I want you to care but I know that you don’t. Its hard but I just have to keep reminding myself of the bad times and then getting through this will be easier for me. I miss you, but you don’t make me happy. This is all pointless. I wish I never met you.
The fact that 2 nights ago you texted me only because of the tumblr post you saw, and then you told me everything was going to be okay. But you only acknowledge me because you know that this time I’m not afraid to lose you. This is really stupid like part of me wants you but part of me doesn’t. Why would I go back to someone who doesn’t even tell people that were talking, that doesn’t hang out with me, that doesn’t put in as much effort as I want, and doesn’t make me as happy as I can be. I just don’t want to be lonely and I’m used to always talking to you and I think thats why I want to go back to you. But I’m not putting up with your shit anymore. I won’t let you win this time. If you do talk to me again, then fine. But if you don’t act as interested as I want you to then I’m absolutely done forever. I’m just sick of always being so lonely. I want a happy, healthy, long relationship. I want to fall so in love with someone who loves me back just as much. Like you see in the movies or on tumblr, I want that more than anything. I want someone to treat me like he used to, I just don’t want them to leave and completley forget about me like he did. I miss him. He treated me really amazing. A good morning beautiful text every morning, and he texted me all day everyday, he was adorable to me when we hungout, he tickled me and cuddled with me and wrestled with me and kissed me all the time, and made me feel so comfortable and happy and safe. I wanted that forever. I really do miss him so much. So so so much.
I miss you, a lot. I’m not gonna text you first anymore though and I’m gonna try to stop with all my tweets and tumblr posts. I’m sad, really sad, but not as bad as I thought I would be. I guess I’m trying to just shut the feeling out by trying to focus on other things and it works sometimes. 8 days since we last spoke. I don’t think you’re coming back. I wish I never took you for granted and I wish I never started so many fights. I’m going to be okay because I’m trying to stay strong and I’m not doing too bad. I’d rather be lonely than be with anyone but you, and if I can get used to being lonely I’ll be fine, right? Its time for me to give myself a break anyway. There’s no point in worrying and over thinking everything when I’ve already done everything to try to bring you back. The less I think about it the happier I’ll be. I need to focus on school, and getting better sleep, and working out more and all of those help me keep my mind off you. There are so many things that I miss about you, I’m not going to sit here and make this super long by naming them all but I just, I don’t know. Maybe you’ll come back and one day everything will be better between us but for now I’m just going to let whatever’s meant to happen, happen. I miss you, but why bother trying so hard for someone who isn’t interested. I’ve done enough to try to save this, if you care, you’ll make us work.